THE MARYSUE FIC THAT IS COOL
by hobbsey
Summary: in which my friend krin and i write a horrible mary-sue fic on purpose. read it, it's funny. and review, because i want you to. please?


THE AWESOME MARY-SUE FIC OF COOLNESS THAT IS COOL!!!!!!111

(also known as 'making a mockery of mary-sue authors)

-by megumi and krin

Once upon a time there was an orphan who had survived a volcano explosion AND an earthquake AND also she had been touched by the mighty, scarring hand of You-Know-Who. Her name was Mary-Sue, and she had no clue what her last name was. All she had was a letter telling her that she had been accepted to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, and a small scar shaped like a smiley face on her left kneecap.

However, over the past four years, things had been looking much better for Mary-Sue. She was in the Gryffindor house at Hogwarts, and was insanely popular (even though we have never heard of her before in the books). She also was so beautiful that many thought she must be a veela, for it was impossible otherwise to have such shining golden hair, and such beautiful blue eyes.

Even though every male at Hogwarts was madly in love or lust with Mary-Sue, her love was directed only toward one Harry Potter, who while not being especially cute or witty or charming was the hero of a whole series of books, and so her love for him was the truest ever. This made other people horribly jealous of poor Mary-Sue, who had never done anything wrong other than be the midnight fantasy of every guy she'd ever met. She was pure an innocent, and had no clue of everyone's affection toward her.

Mary-Sue's least favourite class was Potions with Professor Snape. She thought it was fairly normal to not like Snape – nobody else seemed to – but the truth was that he was especially mean to her because he was the ONLY male person in the whole entire building who wasn't in love with Mary-Sue. Snape defies possibility in so many other ways, so why not this one?

One day in her least favourite class, Potions (I just established that! Whee!), she was sitting innocently paying close attention to Snape, even though she didn't like him much, when the mean girl in the row behind her decided to set poor Mary-Sue's hair on fire. Alas! However, her beloved Harry (who had been sitting drooling at her incomparable beauty and perfect-ness) quickly came to her rescue with a golden shower of saving-ness.

Now, even though she was covered in urine, and slime, and bits of her own skin, she was still so beautiful that Harry had to give in to temptation right then and there and kiss her passionately. This made Snape mad, because since he's such a meanie he doesn't allow students to make out in his class. He started taking points from Gryffindor for the lip-locking session. What a sourpuss, trying to put a damper on true love that can happen only in this kind of bad fanfic.

Draco Malfoy was across the room skulking at the whole thing. He had been the prettiest one at school (in his opinion) until that stupid (GASP! I meant kind and worship-worthy) Mary-Sue had come along. He was so jealous of Mary-Sue's obvious kindness and generosity that he laughed and laughed as Snape took another 500 points from Gryffindor. He's mean, too.

Snape was getting fed up with the badness of this fic, and was yearning to put some sort of action to it, so he challenged our young, smoldering heroine to a duel of epic proportions. And since of course all bad Mary-Sue authors have seen only the movies and never even read the books, we ALL know how good Alan Rickman is at fencing. So of course he won, because Snape is evil that way. He thrust the evil pointy rapier he'd pulled out of nowhere into Mary-Sue's perfect skin, right in between her unbelievably large breasts, and showed no remorse about doing so.

Harry was about to cry, but then he realized that Mary-Sue was even more beautiful dead. Malfoy laughed and laughed from across the room at how pitiful Harry was, dismembering Mary-Sue's corpse for hanging on his bedroom wall.

"I shall hang your awesome corpse to gaze at all night and day!" Harry proclaimed.

Hermione was one of the many girls who was absolutely SICK of Mary-Sue, and was glad to see her dead. She was also probably jealous that Harry had suddenly stopped being her friend to hang around Mary-Sue more, and so she stormed up to him and kicked him REALLYREALLYHARD as a way of paying him back for being so mean to her. This caused Harry to drop Mary-Sue's pale but still perfect in every way arm.

"What are you doing, desecrating my loved one's abandoned body?!" Harry yelled.

Hermione gave a tutting noise and walked straight out of this horrible fic. She was too smart to hang around for too long. She yelled back over her shoulder "Well maybe you're so clouded by true sappy fanfic love that you can't see she's turning into an evil zombie!"

Of course, the Mary-Sue zombie was just as beautiful and perfect as the original Mary-Sue, despite being dead and an evil horrible zombie.

Snape just stared at the evil zombie that was emerging, wondering whether or not he should save Harry from mortal danger yet again. He decided that it was time to truly be a heartless bastard and just enjoy the show as the evil Mary-Sue zombie proceeded to choke Harry to death.

Neville Longbottom had been watching the whole affair, and was so scared by Mary-Sue that he was uncharacteristically brave and whapped her with his wand. The zombie let go of Harry and turned to face Neville, glaring evilly.

"I love you!" cried Harry as his throat collapsed in upon itself. Draco laughed and laughed, and Snape tried his very best to keep from doing the same.

Neville socked Mary-Sue zombie with his wand again, causing her to do a very bad imitation of Riverdance. She Riverdanced right on over to Snape, who held his wand up, ready to curse her into oblivion. However, Snape was just so very ugly that it scared her still-pure heart and she ran away forever.

THE END.

notes from megumi:

wasn't that AMAZING? this came entirely out of a conversation my friend krin and I were having about stupid mary-sue fics (although she didn't know they were called mary-sues). in my opinion, the only thing worse than a bad mary-sue fic is a sappy snape romance fic. I shudder at the thought. those things SCARE me.

anyhow. let it be known that I hate mary-sues. I like everyone else in this fic though. especially snape. I don't think he's ugly. oh well.

I don't own harry potter, although I think JKR might want to kill me for this. I don't own any mary-sue fics either, because I think I'm slightly above those (and, while I'm at it, author inserts).

this is not to say, however, that ALL mary-sues and author-inserts are bad. I just have yet to come across any that aren't…

review! please! even though this is really bad, it's on purpose. I hope I made some of the more intelligent authors laugh.


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